Big Car Small Waist...

In my never ending quest to obtain the body beautiful with the minimum effort, I have devised the world's FIRST passive diet.

Yes that's right, with the assistance of a team of crack shot scientists (my friends- who incidentally ALSO like cake), I have formulated the MOST advanced yet passive and simple diet- nay LIFESTYLE CHOICE to enable you to lose those unwanted pounds without doing a frigging thing.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, put down those fat free horror shakes and place aside those painful electrobelts that have your lounge smelling like grilled pork with the bristles still on. No more will we buy in to the myth that we can indeed 'eat whatever we like and not deny ourselves anything' on sadistic eating plans that involve the imbibement of noxious, lumpy 'shakes' and miniscule portions.

In unision, we say NO MORE!!!

I have formulated the following erm... formula to enable you to eat whatever that heck you like and yet STILL appear to have the minute body of a Daddy Long Legs or one of the Olsen Twins.

It's the American way!!!

Welcome to the revolution... welcome to The SUV diet!!!

[insert fanfare]

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it came to me one sunny afternoon when I was supposed to be hacking together yet another mindless manual on the chimp-level Accounts Addition process but was in fact hiding at the rear of the building and contemplating my burning cigarette.

I bore witness to the birth of my plan: the BIGGEST SUV I have ever seen pulled up and as the sun was temporarily blocked of the Western Hemisphere, out jumped the tiniest Asian girl (of about 45 I bet). It was hard to see her amoeba sized form next to the lumbering behemoth. Well, while the sun was beginning to circlulate around the rear fender of the chariot like some delayed solar eclipse, it hit me.

Why try to be small in a world gone huge?? Of COURSE I look like the world's greatest heiffer with my teeny tiny IPod and telescopic phone!! The solution was staring me in the face!!

So, from now on when you are worried about your size, the answer is simple, supersize it!!!

Follow these simple steps and you will find success on the Big Car, Small Waist plan (you can even follow these while noshing down a cheeseburger):

-Buy a MASSIVE car. The size will make you appear miniscule and you will not be able to afford such delicacies as cake and mortgage payments.

- Only make friends with fat people. The bigger the better. How best to make yourself feel like the slimmest person in the room??? PLUS, they will clear the food off your plate before you can say Appetizer...

- Buy retro electronics. Not only are they huge and thus make your frame appear at least 'normal' sized but you will be the envy of your friends who will think you quirky because of your appreciation of kitsche.

- Eat ONLY at buffets. Not only are these the mecca of the discerning food-a-holic but you can take small measures of food and thus, your portions make you look anorexic. Alright, so you go back 48 times instead but hey, it's the ILLUSION that makes the difference.

Subscribe to my plan and you too will live a happy yet proportioned life without denying yourself the simple pleasures in ... For more insights in to this uniqe way of life, send 20 boxes of milk duds and a Supreme pizza (thin crust, my body is a temple) to my desk to receive my full lifestyle guide containing lots of pictures of shirtless Packers fans to make you feel better about youself.

One last thing, I even have my celebrity fans.

Kirstie Alley!!!

That's right, she tried Jenny Craig and she got trimmer but on my plan she was able to create the illusion of being a 5'8" woman with a 145lb frame!!

How did she do it???

She appeared on Oprah!! Next to the Whale Queen, she looked immaculate in her bikini!!