Damn You, Daylight Savings...

As my frequent reader, nay, army of fan may remember, I posted a blog back on Thursday, November 02, 2006 conerning the perplexing science of time travel. More specifically if eating tons of rubbish during the hour you eliminate during the winter Daylight Savings change over would in fact add weight or simply cease to exist since the hour also ceased to exist...

As you can see, yes, yes it does...

There I was all slim, strapped in to my bikini and ready for summer then at the stroke of midnight like the pumpkin in Cinderella (in fact I could BE the pumpkin in Cinderella) it all came back to bite me on my enormous arse...

Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls... unless you have a flux capacotor and a strange yet somehow appealing scientist friend who is not at all creepy for hanging out with 17 year old boys, LEAVE WELL ALONE...

Driving Me Crazy...



So I had my millionth driving lesson on Saturday. Well alright not my millionth but it's been a lot and I am still shaking before I click the seat belt on.

I'll get there, I am sure because as i constantly remind myself; there are some retards out there with licenses so it can't be that hard. Although to be honest, it's the retards that bother me. Or more specifically the retards hurtling along at 70mph in a giant steel projectile aimed at me.

Those of you that know me know this has been an ongoing process and i know that those of you that know me are probably sick and tired about hearing my white knuckled tales of motorist's woe nearly as much as you are driving my pikey butt places. However, for those of you that have not as of yet shared my shame, I had to share this Nate classic...

I have been having lessons for a few months now- that is to say I have gone through 3 teachers who have probably in turn gone through 30 bottles of Zanax and Vodka just to blur the terror from their memories.

I have had some bad experiences with the last school I was using- more to the point with my original teacher who is in fact Satan in heels... I am 28, foreign and terrified so making me drive on the highway 10 minutes after sitting in the car I felt was a tad optimistic!!

Shall we just say, I was 'put off'?! So like Goldilocks in an ever running quest to find just the right teacher, I decided to take a stab at some listings online and see which the punters out there in the real world though was the best. I picked a reputable firm and booked a lesson. I tell you this because I feel the randomness of the situation only adds to the horror...

Anyway, I met my new instructor on Saturday. He was a nice guy, kinda firm but nice and to be honest i need that. He put me at ease and before too long I was babbling away comfortably about my previous driving experiences and the evil cow that had introduced me to the motoring world. Oh yes and when I say 'babbling away' I mean basically slagging her off like nobody's business because after all, this guy is independent AND in direct competition with her so I felt it was safe to assume he would agree...

After I pause for air in between curse words, my new instructor takes the invisible shovel from my hands and mentions that in fact he used to work for [said] driving school. 'Really?' I say, 'well you must know first hand how tough she can be'.

"oh yes," he says "except I don't caller her Sarah..."

"I CALL HER MUM!!"

Shit...shitty...shit... So basically I spent the entire morning slating his Mum and her driving school- with a liberal smattering of the B word...

What the hell is WRONG with me?? I swear I am cursed or something... in the way that rich children are born with a silver spoon in their mouths, I was born with my foot permanently wedges in my soft pallette...

Behold The Awesome Terror Of The TWEEP!!

Ya know, I have been thinking a lot about food of late (since I am on YET another diet, although I'm down to 19lbs lost now so whoop dee whoop!!) and the irony that there are starving and war torn people out there with nothing to eat while we have some of the most robust foodstuffs known to man right here in our convenience stores.

That's right friends, I'm talking about Peeps... not that they're the healthiest foods in the world but alongside Twinkies you have your carbohydrate which (to everyone other than a diet obsessed health nut with the wrong end of the dookey stick) is actually quite handy when it comes to storing energy and general health. You have your wheat group in the twinkies (I think that's still carbohydrate to be honest but there you go, it's good for you), you have dairy in the twinkie filling and probably some minerals in the sprinkly things on the peeps. All in all a fairly decent snack. Plus, if you're starving, you're not about to turn down a pack of happy looking mallow chicks and some bread sponges are you?

So, I thought further... I mean due to the pretty much indestructible nature of the foods, they're probably going to last longer than the planes dropping them on people in the middle of a harsh gun battle. Being that they're small and spongy and also very light...

All of which brought me to this BRILLIANT conclusion... Bravo, Miss Natalie, Bravo...

... If ever there was a nuclear war- and let's be honest here, it's terrifyingly likely in our lifetime. what would survive?

The answer... Twinkies and Peeps. Ironically there would be no one to eat them and their refined sugar would merely fester for years and years becoming activated by the nuclear fallout like the sugar in booze and they would meld and grow. Left to their own devices for enough time they would become a whole new... thing.

The TWEEP!!!

Huge and ravenous, the Tweep would roam the streets of Tokyo looking for food because ironically it is as nauseated by its substance as we are. And it's PISSED!!

Only Godzilla can save us........



MECHA-PEEP-ZILLA...



OK, I was bored and Photoshop was open...

Let me tell you a story...

Hopefully that way you will understand why I have posted this mean piccie...

When I was 6, I went to school as most non-bean-eating-left-wing-knit-your-own-museli types do. I was not popular nor clever and did indeed come from a home that had little money and had resorted to dressing me in hand me downs.

So you get the idea, I was not popular nor fashionable nor attractive in any way .

Before you get the tissues for a good old cry, there is a point to all of this...

My school as so many do, had a 'bell' system where at the end of each playtime, we were required to stand still and not move nor breathe too loudly while we waited freezing for our teachers to come out at snail speed from the teacher's smoking room to call out class in individually.

For some reason, my class was always the last one to be called and I of course liked to play near the main doors because even though we weren't allowed in to the school unless we had to go to the loo and even THAT was monitored, when those lucky few that were allowed to defecate during play time left through the door, my face would get temporarily warmed with the warm and playdoh scented breeze of the hallway.

Anyway...

So on this one occasion there was a flock of seagulls in the playground. The girls delighted in throwing bits of grass at them to 'feed' them and the boys took pleasure in stamping after them intent on their first in a long line of animal tortures.

The bell went and I, stood next to the door in my little wooly hat and second hand coat got pooped on!!!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I had to stand there bolt still while EVERY other class walked past me and laughed at the poo running down my face. I DID NOT DARE MOVE!!! My teacher was a Nazi and frankly, fingers have been lost for less.

THAT was one of the worst days of my schooling and I was known as Poo Face for about 6 months after that- which is pretty traumatic when you are six!!

So I saw this and thought would share it.



Do not laugh at this poor child though, I was scarred enough and in my day they didn;t have the Internet. He's now known as Poo Head in 37 different languages!!

Mums ROCK!!

Alright, this is soppier than my normal posties but I just wanted to share something with y'all.

I know most people say they love their Mum but I really do. She's honestly a terrific person!! Shes one of the funniest and most supportive people I have ever known- she's also funny as all get out!!

So I wanted to introduce her to you all.

This photo was taken when she was in A Man For All Seasons (yeah she acts too!!), isn't she beautiful???

I just got off the phone with her after having a hideous week of unnecessary cack and she made me feel SO much better even though she's 5000 miles away. Only my Mum could play the 'guess the topic because you're at work and can't talk candidly' game with me and not think it insane!!

Anyway, I miss her terribly. She's a special lady but since I go on about her all the time I thought it might be an idea to actually post a picture of her in her natural habitat (the stage not the Victorian era, cheeky!!).

She's the one on the left ;)

Dunlapping...

May I just ask, is it acceptable to unbutton the top one on your jeans at work?? It IS nearly Thanksgiving after all.

I mean, people here think I am eccentric enough and frankly, I had a big lunch. It's only one step from walking about with no shoes on to the horror of my coworkers!!

My jeans hate me, I think they shrunk on purpose...

Big Car Small Waist...

In my never ending quest to obtain the body beautiful with the minimum effort, I have devised the world's FIRST passive diet.

Yes that's right, with the assistance of a team of crack shot scientists (my friends- who incidentally ALSO like cake), I have formulated the MOST advanced yet passive and simple diet- nay LIFESTYLE CHOICE to enable you to lose those unwanted pounds without doing a frigging thing.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, put down those fat free horror shakes and place aside those painful electrobelts that have your lounge smelling like grilled pork with the bristles still on. No more will we buy in to the myth that we can indeed 'eat whatever we like and not deny ourselves anything' on sadistic eating plans that involve the imbibement of noxious, lumpy 'shakes' and miniscule portions.

In unision, we say NO MORE!!!

I have formulated the following erm... formula to enable you to eat whatever that heck you like and yet STILL appear to have the minute body of a Daddy Long Legs or one of the Olsen Twins.

It's the American way!!!

Welcome to the revolution... welcome to The SUV diet!!!

[insert fanfare]

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it came to me one sunny afternoon when I was supposed to be hacking together yet another mindless manual on the chimp-level Accounts Addition process but was in fact hiding at the rear of the building and contemplating my burning cigarette.

I bore witness to the birth of my plan: the BIGGEST SUV I have ever seen pulled up and as the sun was temporarily blocked of the Western Hemisphere, out jumped the tiniest Asian girl (of about 45 I bet). It was hard to see her amoeba sized form next to the lumbering behemoth. Well, while the sun was beginning to circlulate around the rear fender of the chariot like some delayed solar eclipse, it hit me.

Why try to be small in a world gone huge?? Of COURSE I look like the world's greatest heiffer with my teeny tiny IPod and telescopic phone!! The solution was staring me in the face!!

So, from now on when you are worried about your size, the answer is simple, supersize it!!!

Follow these simple steps and you will find success on the Big Car, Small Waist plan (you can even follow these while noshing down a cheeseburger):

-Buy a MASSIVE car. The size will make you appear miniscule and you will not be able to afford such delicacies as cake and mortgage payments.

- Only make friends with fat people. The bigger the better. How best to make yourself feel like the slimmest person in the room??? PLUS, they will clear the food off your plate before you can say Appetizer...

- Buy retro electronics. Not only are they huge and thus make your frame appear at least 'normal' sized but you will be the envy of your friends who will think you quirky because of your appreciation of kitsche.

- Eat ONLY at buffets. Not only are these the mecca of the discerning food-a-holic but you can take small measures of food and thus, your portions make you look anorexic. Alright, so you go back 48 times instead but hey, it's the ILLUSION that makes the difference.

Subscribe to my plan and you too will live a happy yet proportioned life without denying yourself the simple pleasures in ... For more insights in to this uniqe way of life, send 20 boxes of milk duds and a Supreme pizza (thin crust, my body is a temple) to my desk to receive my full lifestyle guide containing lots of pictures of shirtless Packers fans to make you feel better about youself.

One last thing, I even have my celebrity fans.

Kirstie Alley!!!

That's right, she tried Jenny Craig and she got trimmer but on my plan she was able to create the illusion of being a 5'8" woman with a 145lb frame!!

How did she do it???

She appeared on Oprah!! Next to the Whale Queen, she looked immaculate in her bikini!!

Time Travel...

If you eat a shag load of crap on the last hour of the night of Daylight Savings, does it mean that when you turn back the clock an hour, the last hour did not exist. Therefore, your gluttony does not count towards your already massive girth?? Scientifically and mathematically, this is the case...

AND...

Does that flab merely float about in the ether in a parallel universe because physically it does not exist in this reality until the clocks go forward in Spring at which point you turn in to the uberblimp at the stroke of twelve like some hideous Cinderella???

NOT the look you want in early bikini season...

I ate a LOT of Hallloween candy... :D